...and here i am, one year later...so much has changed...strange times...
i am now a single mother. the baby daddy bailed. ya. i can't believe it either. i can't believe that's the kind of person i got involved with. and how i thought i knew them so well, went through 3 years of mostly really good times, made a child toghether, so many beautiful experiences...and he didn't just walk away, but the way it happened..the way he ended it...horrendous. i'll just say that. brutal. asshole. those words come to mind. really??? really?!? apparently so.
as far as how i'm coping, well there are good days and bad days. what hurts the most is how he seems to have completely forgotten about us, considering i have to remind him to keep in touch. so sad. and when i get mad and sad and upset about it, he just gets mad at me. there is no solution, no winning with him. in his mind, what he does is perfectly fine and makes perfect sense, and my being upset is just really inconvenient for him. he's just trying to have a good time, i'm sure. like always. the biggest loser in this, is Liam, and...i don't know if i can talk about that without breaking down. travis himself was abandoned by his parents. so i thought he'd be the last person i the world to pull something like that.
it's ok though, because Liam's got an awesome mommy, who shows him enough love for 100 mommies and daddies combined. not to mention his very loving and adoring grandparents, and aunty and the rest of his huge extended family.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Monday, July 26, 2010
"there is nothing to fear but fear itself" - FDR
Ok, so we've all heard this extraordinary quote, and it's so true. i've been realizing more and more lately that fear sponsors most of my thoughts and actions. this is horrible. it's like killing yourself slowly. i was fearful to begin with, and then i had a baby! oh man, i thought i knew fear pretty well, but after having a baby i realized i HARDLY knew fear. so now, it's even harder for me to deal with my fear. you have this baby that you literally love more than you have ever loved anything in your entire life. you exist solely for the your baby now. seriously. Liam is my life. the love of my life. and like i have mentioned before, once you love something, there is the fear of losing it. that is why love is so complicated for me. there are millions of horrible awful ways i could lose my baby boy GOD FORBID! ofcourse, much of the time my mind is occupied with thinking of how i can prevent every possibility. i know this isn't how i should be using my mind. and i know that thinking about things can possibly make things happen. so i've got to stop. you know what i need to replace this fear? faith. ive always known about faith, and i try to have it, but somehow fear always sneakily comes back and swallows up the faith, damn fear. i don't want to be this person who is constantly worried about what tragedies might happen and therefore become that overprotective aunt. this is gonna send me straight to an early grave, i know it. i must seriously increase my faith. ive been reading a lot lately about these things. the book 'conversations with god' is really helping me so much. this little book makes all the sense in the world, and as i lie there and read it i feel warm and safe and love and suddenly life makes complete sense to me and i realize i need to let go of said fear. so heather, come on baby girl, you can do this. stop wallowing in the fear you've been wallowing in for basically most of my life. i can't tell you how many things fear has held me back from in my life. i wonder where i'd be now if i'd never let fear encompass my existence. why it it easier to fear than have faith and love? why is this? i'm going to start practicing stomping out my fearful thoughts as they arise. i will be sure to let you know how it goes. wish me luck! best of luck, Heather, my dear girl. and you really must try harder to love yourself better as well too. too often i regard my own self with apathy. i don't hate myself, but i don't really think of myself much in a loving sense. although since i had Liam, more and more so i try to take care of myself better because i want to be there for Liam, as a solid, dependable, healthy mother, mentally and physically. Liam truly saved my life in so many ways! he IS my sweet baby angel.
Ok, so we've all heard this extraordinary quote, and it's so true. i've been realizing more and more lately that fear sponsors most of my thoughts and actions. this is horrible. it's like killing yourself slowly. i was fearful to begin with, and then i had a baby! oh man, i thought i knew fear pretty well, but after having a baby i realized i HARDLY knew fear. so now, it's even harder for me to deal with my fear. you have this baby that you literally love more than you have ever loved anything in your entire life. you exist solely for the your baby now. seriously. Liam is my life. the love of my life. and like i have mentioned before, once you love something, there is the fear of losing it. that is why love is so complicated for me. there are millions of horrible awful ways i could lose my baby boy GOD FORBID! ofcourse, much of the time my mind is occupied with thinking of how i can prevent every possibility. i know this isn't how i should be using my mind. and i know that thinking about things can possibly make things happen. so i've got to stop. you know what i need to replace this fear? faith. ive always known about faith, and i try to have it, but somehow fear always sneakily comes back and swallows up the faith, damn fear. i don't want to be this person who is constantly worried about what tragedies might happen and therefore become that overprotective aunt. this is gonna send me straight to an early grave, i know it. i must seriously increase my faith. ive been reading a lot lately about these things. the book 'conversations with god' is really helping me so much. this little book makes all the sense in the world, and as i lie there and read it i feel warm and safe and love and suddenly life makes complete sense to me and i realize i need to let go of said fear. so heather, come on baby girl, you can do this. stop wallowing in the fear you've been wallowing in for basically most of my life. i can't tell you how many things fear has held me back from in my life. i wonder where i'd be now if i'd never let fear encompass my existence. why it it easier to fear than have faith and love? why is this? i'm going to start practicing stomping out my fearful thoughts as they arise. i will be sure to let you know how it goes. wish me luck! best of luck, Heather, my dear girl. and you really must try harder to love yourself better as well too. too often i regard my own self with apathy. i don't hate myself, but i don't really think of myself much in a loving sense. although since i had Liam, more and more so i try to take care of myself better because i want to be there for Liam, as a solid, dependable, healthy mother, mentally and physically. Liam truly saved my life in so many ways! he IS my sweet baby angel.
Monday, July 19, 2010
what is this?
Just having some of my usual existential fears and feelings of foreboding today. Since Liam was born, I wake up alot in the middle of the night for feedings, and for me, waking up in the middle of the night always seems to catch me in a vulnerable state where I'm just plagued with thoughts of existence. Last night/this morning was a particularly intense one. I just wanted to start crying because I can fathom my soul, existing, being concious for eternity. If it's not eternal (which I'm pretty sure it is, just like i'm sure i've always existed-meaning my soul), well i just can't fathom that either. All of this stuff is incredibly hard to describe ofcourse, but i just need to write about it to get it off of my chest somehow. I also wanted to note that i'm always floating or flying in all of my dreams. When I wake up and think of them, I realize they are always from a perspective of floating and being close to ceilings, so that's how i know i float. also, now that i've had a child, being alive and mortal freaks me out even more. it just means even more that i can't be ok with dying. before his birth, i had somewhat comes to terms with death, and that if i die it will be ok. oh before i forget completely, last week i had a dream that i died. i had just crossed over, and there was some other being there with me, maybe my guardian angel, and they were explaining everything to me as it was happening. i had just died and i was thinking, 'oh my god, this is it, ive died, it's really happened. the thing that i've been fearing and obsessing over my whole life has happened!' and i remember that it was all okay. my angel was conveying this to me telepathically, and i was witnessing for myself that it was ok. i was kind of just lingering there, in that in between world right after you pass on. and then suddenly, my angel said 'here it comes. that is the light.' and i looked to where she was indicating and it was like the sun rising, and i was watching it as it was floating up slowly from the horizon, and it was all so peaceful and calming.' i think i suddenly woke up then and it was morning time, and travis was sitting there on the computer and he saw me wake up and i was just looking at him and i wanted to say 'i just dreamed that i died' but i didn't for some reason. i think i wanted to keep it in my mind a little longer for myself, it was so special. i felt like i had been shown the secret of existence, and then i wake up and i'm still alive and back in the mundane world.
there's no words to describe the sense of fear and awe and overwhelming-ness i feel at those times when i am awake in the middle of the night with those thoughts. they completely overtake me, ever cell, every fiber of my being..i just can't believe i am alive and i exist and we don't even really know what we truly are?? why are we here and how did we get here? IT"S SO INCREDIBLE! and now i have this beautiful child that i am 100% living for now. my existence is completely vital to his existence. it would be such a horrible tragedy if i were to die. are we the aliens? are aliens gods? how did we start off as a molecule and end up as this? as people who occupy their time by reading about lindsay lohan and miley cyrus and all these awful individuals. what does their existence mean in all of this??? i always try to look at the human race as if i were an alien just discovering us..it truly makes me see how crazy the world is right now. do aliens have their own versions lindsay lohans and paris hiltons and ridiculous celebrity worship???
wow, all of existence just makes me say wow and it all really does inspire me so much to do something....create something to somehow encapsulate all of it into one big beautiful thing??
there's no words to describe the sense of fear and awe and overwhelming-ness i feel at those times when i am awake in the middle of the night with those thoughts. they completely overtake me, ever cell, every fiber of my being..i just can't believe i am alive and i exist and we don't even really know what we truly are?? why are we here and how did we get here? IT"S SO INCREDIBLE! and now i have this beautiful child that i am 100% living for now. my existence is completely vital to his existence. it would be such a horrible tragedy if i were to die. are we the aliens? are aliens gods? how did we start off as a molecule and end up as this? as people who occupy their time by reading about lindsay lohan and miley cyrus and all these awful individuals. what does their existence mean in all of this??? i always try to look at the human race as if i were an alien just discovering us..it truly makes me see how crazy the world is right now. do aliens have their own versions lindsay lohans and paris hiltons and ridiculous celebrity worship???
wow, all of existence just makes me say wow and it all really does inspire me so much to do something....create something to somehow encapsulate all of it into one big beautiful thing??
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
heartjuice
I think i just shouldn't smoke weed anymore, really. It just seems to crack open my heart like an eggshell and out spill all of my insecurities, fears, and worries. Pair it together with a strange day (perhaps it's the planetary alignment) and it really makes for a retreat into my mind covered in a blaket of heartache.
Today Travis was not going to go to his home studies class for the second week in a row and it is only the 3rd week of this class. Granted he just goes to pick up his assignments but he is now already behind for missing last week and he was willing to get even more behind because he was getting stoned hanging out at the park with friends. Ofcourse I understand more than anyone how easy it is to blow off class when you're doing something fun, but at this point in our lives it just felt like a slap in the face. I want to cry!!! When is he going to start acting like the father of a baby?!? I thought it was going to happen when I told him I was pregnant, then I thought since it didn't happen then, that FOR SURE when Liam was born he'd get going, but that's really not the case. I'm always giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm always giving him chance after chance to prove himself. So many other women would have left him eons ago! People close to me have told me he is not going to change. I know deep down people don't really change, but usually the birth of their child will change SOMETHING in them. I want to cry but the tears aren't coming. Partnerships are when you make living easier for each other. All i do is try to ease his life for him. He rarely sees this, so i just want a little reciprocation. I also don't get why he seems to me missing that survival instinct. Aren't men supposed to just instincively spring into action and do all they can to provide for their families? It just seems like he just wants to not do anything and let whatever happens happen. If my parents will shelter us for now, then he'll take it. It's like he lets everyone else figure out wwhat to do. It just hurts. To break our little family up would tear me apart. But sooner or later that is what i'm going to have to do if he just never does a thing to become the 'man of the house'. :( i want to cry. Just trying to get his hs diploma is proving to be a major uphill battle. I love him more than words...this is so hard...i don't know what to do..
Today Travis was not going to go to his home studies class for the second week in a row and it is only the 3rd week of this class. Granted he just goes to pick up his assignments but he is now already behind for missing last week and he was willing to get even more behind because he was getting stoned hanging out at the park with friends. Ofcourse I understand more than anyone how easy it is to blow off class when you're doing something fun, but at this point in our lives it just felt like a slap in the face. I want to cry!!! When is he going to start acting like the father of a baby?!? I thought it was going to happen when I told him I was pregnant, then I thought since it didn't happen then, that FOR SURE when Liam was born he'd get going, but that's really not the case. I'm always giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm always giving him chance after chance to prove himself. So many other women would have left him eons ago! People close to me have told me he is not going to change. I know deep down people don't really change, but usually the birth of their child will change SOMETHING in them. I want to cry but the tears aren't coming. Partnerships are when you make living easier for each other. All i do is try to ease his life for him. He rarely sees this, so i just want a little reciprocation. I also don't get why he seems to me missing that survival instinct. Aren't men supposed to just instincively spring into action and do all they can to provide for their families? It just seems like he just wants to not do anything and let whatever happens happen. If my parents will shelter us for now, then he'll take it. It's like he lets everyone else figure out wwhat to do. It just hurts. To break our little family up would tear me apart. But sooner or later that is what i'm going to have to do if he just never does a thing to become the 'man of the house'. :( i want to cry. Just trying to get his hs diploma is proving to be a major uphill battle. I love him more than words...this is so hard...i don't know what to do..
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
this love
ramblings for today:
you'll have to forgive me if these newer posts i'm posting are dull and/or tedious. i just need to get back in the habit of flow writing. it's so much easier to do this on the computer compared to handwriting, as sad as that is, because there is definitely something romantic to handwriting in your journal. i did this for years and years while growing up, but you know, as i've become a boring ass adult with seemingly severe adhd i've lost all capacity to do this. oh well, maybe in time, as i get more used to just writing in general.
liam's non-stop crying is making me feel a little bit mad i'm afraid, or atleast it makes me feel like i'm going to snap and lose it any second. not snap and become violent towards him or anything, nothing like that. i have absolutely NO violent inclination towards him. and infact that is why it's making me so crazy that he is crying so much...is he in pain?!? i just can't stand to hear him cry so much, AH it just tears me apart! he is the absolute most important little thing to ever exist for me...the overprotectiveness i feel towards him is just infinite. god i love him so much. it's so nice to finally have my own child and feel that kind of love that you always hear parents talking about. but it is scary as hell at the same time, let me tell you. it really scares me to love something so fucking much. just that damn fear again that if anything ever were to happen to him...oh god, i just can't even go there. i don't think i'd be able to survive something like that. when we had to take him to the er because he was throwing up everything...i was hysterical...and if i'm that bad when he's just throwing up like crazy...it's really insane, the love i feel for him. oh i love him, i love my little baby SO FUCKING MUCH! i cry because i love him so much. i just pray to the Goddess and the God to give him a healthy and happy life all the time. if killing me meant he would never have to feel any pain (physical or emotional) in his entire life i just might do it. i know pain is a natural part of living, but, NO i just can't bear for him to feel pain. honestly, ive always thought that maybe my worst fault is that i just love too much. i've thought this from a very young age, i really do think my heart is just like, bigger than most people's...love really is a force, a very intense force...and life is so very hard and sometimes i feel guilty that i even brought him into this world, that is honestly how i feel sometimes. holy hell life is crazy. how do you stay afloat? how do you not go crazy? how do you get through life? ok...this is making my head hurt and spin in circles. goodbye for now.
you'll have to forgive me if these newer posts i'm posting are dull and/or tedious. i just need to get back in the habit of flow writing. it's so much easier to do this on the computer compared to handwriting, as sad as that is, because there is definitely something romantic to handwriting in your journal. i did this for years and years while growing up, but you know, as i've become a boring ass adult with seemingly severe adhd i've lost all capacity to do this. oh well, maybe in time, as i get more used to just writing in general.
liam's non-stop crying is making me feel a little bit mad i'm afraid, or atleast it makes me feel like i'm going to snap and lose it any second. not snap and become violent towards him or anything, nothing like that. i have absolutely NO violent inclination towards him. and infact that is why it's making me so crazy that he is crying so much...is he in pain?!? i just can't stand to hear him cry so much, AH it just tears me apart! he is the absolute most important little thing to ever exist for me...the overprotectiveness i feel towards him is just infinite. god i love him so much. it's so nice to finally have my own child and feel that kind of love that you always hear parents talking about. but it is scary as hell at the same time, let me tell you. it really scares me to love something so fucking much. just that damn fear again that if anything ever were to happen to him...oh god, i just can't even go there. i don't think i'd be able to survive something like that. when we had to take him to the er because he was throwing up everything...i was hysterical...and if i'm that bad when he's just throwing up like crazy...it's really insane, the love i feel for him. oh i love him, i love my little baby SO FUCKING MUCH! i cry because i love him so much. i just pray to the Goddess and the God to give him a healthy and happy life all the time. if killing me meant he would never have to feel any pain (physical or emotional) in his entire life i just might do it. i know pain is a natural part of living, but, NO i just can't bear for him to feel pain. honestly, ive always thought that maybe my worst fault is that i just love too much. i've thought this from a very young age, i really do think my heart is just like, bigger than most people's...love really is a force, a very intense force...and life is so very hard and sometimes i feel guilty that i even brought him into this world, that is honestly how i feel sometimes. holy hell life is crazy. how do you stay afloat? how do you not go crazy? how do you get through life? ok...this is making my head hurt and spin in circles. goodbye for now.
Monday, April 26, 2010
fotzepolitik.
must get it out: feeling very emotional right now. fears. i hate fear. you know how sometimes if you let it, it feels like fear is going to swallow you alive? it's located in the heart chakra area...and i believe that is my hell. to be in fear is to be in my own personal hell. it's such negative, poor thinking too. because i do believe our thoughts manifest, and my fears are the last thing i would EVER want to manifest. so i must train myself to put a stop to them. seriously, dude.
i gotta change my thinking. god it KILLS me that my creative outlet is so squashed. i used to come up with the BEST ideas just like, without even trying. what the hell happened?? the creative drive can be so illusive in my life, and why is that? what is happening in my life that it seems to come around less and less and less...it bothers me SO--OH!
it is the most important thing in the entire WORLD to me to do well for my son. i am 100% determnined to NOT LET HIM DOWN. i want him to grow up and be proud of his mama. i want him to grow up in the most blissfully happy of circumstances, with the most creative, abstract, uniquely fabulously beautiful childhood. i can do this. i will do this. just have to get the foundation of this life in order. and that is vital. travis and i must get to EXACTLY where we want to be, where we are:
1. making a decent living
2. in a healthy, fun, beautiful atmosphere (as in NOT fresno)
if we have these two things, the rest should all come easily. and that is only 2 things, really that is such a low, do-able number of things to get done. granted, they can be somewhat difficult things, but it's still only 2 things! we can't be all talk though, we have to ACT we HAVE TO ACT NOW! i will get back to you on this. please wish us luck, send us postive motivating vibes, think good thoughts for us. as trav said in his entry, God is within us...we have the utmost potential for absolute greatness because WE ARE GOD. WE ARE ONE. Peace Love and Namaste. Goodnight.
i gotta change my thinking. god it KILLS me that my creative outlet is so squashed. i used to come up with the BEST ideas just like, without even trying. what the hell happened?? the creative drive can be so illusive in my life, and why is that? what is happening in my life that it seems to come around less and less and less...it bothers me SO--OH!
it is the most important thing in the entire WORLD to me to do well for my son. i am 100% determnined to NOT LET HIM DOWN. i want him to grow up and be proud of his mama. i want him to grow up in the most blissfully happy of circumstances, with the most creative, abstract, uniquely fabulously beautiful childhood. i can do this. i will do this. just have to get the foundation of this life in order. and that is vital. travis and i must get to EXACTLY where we want to be, where we are:
1. making a decent living
2. in a healthy, fun, beautiful atmosphere (as in NOT fresno)
if we have these two things, the rest should all come easily. and that is only 2 things, really that is such a low, do-able number of things to get done. granted, they can be somewhat difficult things, but it's still only 2 things! we can't be all talk though, we have to ACT we HAVE TO ACT NOW! i will get back to you on this. please wish us luck, send us postive motivating vibes, think good thoughts for us. as trav said in his entry, God is within us...we have the utmost potential for absolute greatness because WE ARE GOD. WE ARE ONE. Peace Love and Namaste. Goodnight.
i am not the same...i'm growing up again.....
i just finally recovered my bloggedy blog. my boyfriend's involvement on this website of late is what spurred me to find it. i've been needing to get back in to writing, though it's going to be a lot harder now that i have a very cute but demanding 2 month old baby boy, my Liam. :) so i will try to update as much as possible. as i said in a previous entry, my creative self is still lost...possibly even more lost now. you know, i used to be a pretty good writer and it's even something ive wanted to pursue.
well hey the good news is i'm not a pill popper anymore. :) and i don't even smoke the weed anymore, well not as much anyways. ok Liam is crying, more later....
well hey the good news is i'm not a pill popper anymore. :) and i don't even smoke the weed anymore, well not as much anyways. ok Liam is crying, more later....
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