starchildren

just have to get this out somehow. it is a beautiful rainy day. usually i love the rain. i still do, but today it seems to be causing my brooding emotions to continue, to be the grey cloudy skies. it is a new year, 2009 closer to 2012. i'm still just as lost as i was 5 years ago, only maybe a little more mature. my heart and soul cries out for a new way of life, i feel so trampled by society. change is on it's way, but i am a very impatient person unfortunatley.
i'm trying to remind myself everyday to acknowledge the higher self and the divinity within me. why is it such human behavior to forget this every day? it's like each night at sleep it's all erased all the really important wisdom you need in order to get by. i feel like i'm just spiralling for eternity, it's always the same, i get close to some major shift and then that's it, it never happens. i just sort of linger on the edge, wasting time...ugh ugh ugh crushed i want to fly! i am getting depressed again because i realized my child self, my creative artistic self is really lost. i can't figure out how to find it or get it back. i am aware but now what? there is a certain joie de vivre to me that is now gone. i feel it so intensely. i don't like to socialize really at all unless there is alcohol or some other way to be inebbriated. that is so fucking sad. and i sit here and wonder...did i make it this way? or is it supposed to be this way?? am i transitioning and maybe metamorphosing into something great? or is this it? is this adulthood? did i miss the train ages ago? did do all that acid in high school really effect who i am today and have anything to do with why i seem to be so...so....not me? not the real me? it seems it takes a lot of balls and courage to access that real me cuz she's lost. somehwere i know she's there with her beautiful art and ideas and inspiration, endless...i just can't access this! and it depresses me to no end to knowthis, i feel cut off i feel cut off and detached from spirit. the more i learn and educate myself on the divine and metaphysics and the faerie world, the more i simulataneously FEEL cut off from it. i'd give anything to find that child in me again. motivation is my worst. i suck soo bad at getting up and acting on ideas. god i'm horrid at it. and to stop smoking so much weed has been on the top of my to do list for about a year. why am i so afraid to let go and be sober? i am i really am. human condition human condition to suffer! it's like i know but i don't know if that makes any sense. what have i done to my brain? holy fucking shit life is crazy.