cycles of circles

Artemis Isis Diana
These 3 Goddesses just came to me
I am a fertile woman full of creativity channeled through me as a vessel
i dip my foot into the tub full of warm salt water
watch it ripple in the candlelight
the shadows it breathes
i feel like i'm in a far away grotto
i tune in to the centrifugal force
like a great eye in the center of my forehead
the psychic centers are awakened
i breathe in the hot steaming vapor
i sense her sweet face
smiling in at me
the Great Mother
the Goddess
Artemis Isis Diana

my sad family problems

2am sleep will not come to me
because a comment i heard earlier today came into my mind
and caused a revelation.
it makes me very sad. i heard my dad call my mom a fat ass in a very mean hateful tone. he has always been this way, no surprise, but i just was finally able to realize he is a serial verbal abuser. the fact that my mom is married to this man, my mom, the sweetest, most maternal, delicate, fragile, innocent, LOVING, life giving, nurturing woman allows herself to be treated this way passively puts up with it. doesn't really stick up for herself, makes me ILL. and then it just got me thinking more and more deeply about my father and the fact that he is a troubled, obviously conflicted man. and that in turn made me even more sad, because deep down, my dad is a good man. it is hard and distressing to feel this way about him, because he's my daddy. i love him more than words. but i just have to get this out and reach out and ask for help on how to deal with this sensitive issue. early in my childhood, my dad became a reborn catholic. my grandparents (his parents) actually were reborn first, and then they converted him. they also tried to convert my mom, but she never did. she is agnostic to this day, and my dad is a psuedo christian to this day. this dynamic was very troubling and confusing to me growing up, but now i see how it aided in developing my worldly, open minded approach to spirituality today. my dad and grandparents are the type of catholic who believe anything other than their particular faith is of the devil. it is frustrating and impossible to try to peacefully discuss my religious beliefs with them. i avoid it, and what's really sad about that is that because of my avoidance it has created much distance between me, my grandparents, and my dad. our relationship can't be as open, honest, and loving as it should be because of it. i know that if it weren't for these religious tensions we would have a beautiful relationship. they don't understand my beliefs, and i don't understand theirs. i am peaceful, my father is not. yet he believes i am the one who is influenced more by "THE DEVIL" (gasp!). my father has always had an explosive temper that has ALWAYS been set of by the most trivial, fucking STUPIDEST, smallest details in the world. in my dad's eyes, if you make a mistake, you are an idiot. case closed. in my elementary years i was traumatized by the way my father handled my comprehension of certain lessons. if i didn't understand math problems in the first or second tries it would become a major dramatic scene from him. his frustration would cause him to yell at me that basically ended up with me believing there was something fundamentally wrong with me, wrong with my brain, that i was slow. i went through the rest of my academic years believing this. i didn't try hard in school because i believed i was already fucked because i was stupid. my dad had made that very clear to me. mind you this is a man who is very adamant about accepting the lord jesus christ into your life. all problems will be solved in that event, according to him. i've been good about turning my cheek and ignoring all these things for a long time now, but it's getting harder to do. i don't feel good for my mom. i don't feel good about the fact that i never visit my grandparents whom i really adore, because i know it will turn into converting me. they are getting older, not going to be around too much longer. i long to have a close relationship with them and my dad. this really breaks my heart. the part that makes it so hard is that my dad is really a good, nice, hard working admirable man deep down. his higher self is a beautiful soul. we have so much in common, so much of who i am is directly inherited from him. so it's hard to feel these things. he is a good man, but he carries hate and anger and fear in him. doesn't he ever realize this? he is totally homophobic and closed minded about so much. i'm so tired of easily offended catholics and christians!! god they make the world so unnecessarily fucking COMPLICATED! how can i, a 29 year old, be so much more aware and enlightened than my 54 year old father and close to 80 year old grandparents? that just makes no sense to me. you're supposed to be wiser with age i thought? my poor mommy. my father talks to her like she's a dim witted child. it's not all the time, but it's often. if anyone out there is reading this and has advice or any insight, please let me know. it would be greatly appreciated. i wish i could convince my father to get some kind of therapy, but i know he would never do that because of his pride.

WE ARE ONE

So things are looking so positively up up up to the heavens. I got an adorable little one bedroom apartment with my novio! He is so adorable! And OBAMA WON!!! No matter who you are you can't deny that the first African American president of the U.S. is a BIG CHANGE. It already just feels so refreshing and different. The energy of such change is rampant in the atmosphere. Most everyone else is also very happy about it. It is bringing us all together into one. My biggest dream in life is to have the world come together for one GIGANTIC happy party. This is a little closer to that reality, if atleast just a teeny bit, no? So happy Sarah Palin will go back to Alaska and fade back into obscurity. Thank GODDESS for that.
Now, before this fades into obscurity, I wanted to document a dream I had night before last. It was more like a moment of a dream I was having that happened to flash into my memory last night. If I hadn't been looking at my Uncle Chris's photos from his trip to Ireland in 2000, the dream probably never would have resurfaced. The pictures were of ancient Celtic sites, old burial mounds, and forests and hillsides were Faerie Folk most likely once reigned. A picture of two trees that came together with their branches is what triggered the dream shadow memory.
I was observing, watching underground the roots of trees and how they grow down and intertwine in water and mud and deep earth. Someone was talking to me, explaining life and how everything is. I believe it was a female Faerie. It was obviously a higher being who knew all and was one with creation. As i saw the roots of trees growing in fast motion and interlockingand joining and spiraling together, I asked her why they do that. She replied "because they need love".
Last week I took a short nap in the middle of the afternoon between classes. Dreaming and contemplating and learning and observing s i slept when i realized something in periphal that stood out. It was violet and ethereal. It was a presence of some kind. I realized it had been there the whole time. In my sleep I remember questioning "hey what is that?" It was undulating and moving rippling, it was light, violet light, ribboning, in the periphal. It was something. I don't know what, but it was something.

La vie est belle ps HAPPY HALLOWEEN

i flow using no capitalization, so just sit tight and deal with that. the world today is beautiful, gloomy, cloudy, rainy,wet. it finally feels like fall. oh it's also halloween. it just doesn't feel like it to me because i have a test in bio today and a paper due, which sadly i didn't finish and i will be turning it in late. ;( so ive been so caught up in that that i haven't had time to plan halloween at all, which is a shame since it is my favorite holiday. i was thinking of putting a costume together tonight last minute, something moon goddess-y.
last night at midnight i had to take my boyfriend to the hospital because he could not breathe. turns out he has nasty old bronchitis. bleeh. the scary thing is that he doesnt have insurance and they kept him in the hospital overnight and maybe tonight too. i'm already stressing about the bills for him. why is it so expensive and complicated to be taken care of when you can't breathe? it's inhuman. so frustrating.

the energy towards the election is so climactic right now. everyone feels it. i don't know what to think of it anymore. the fact that we are so divided as a country just makes me feel so sad and hopeless. why can't we all just be human beings together? why do we have to separate and form groups and hate on other groups? it disgusts me. WE ARE ALL ONE. the sooner everyone sees this the faster we can all heal and start living a more beautiful life, together, as the human race.