Ok, so we've all heard this extraordinary quote, and it's so true. i've been realizing more and more lately that fear sponsors most of my thoughts and actions. this is horrible. it's like killing yourself slowly. i was fearful to begin with, and then i had a baby! oh man, i thought i knew fear pretty well, but after having a baby i realized i HARDLY knew fear. so now, it's even harder for me to deal with my fear. you have this baby that you literally love more than you have ever loved anything in your entire life. you exist solely for the your baby now. seriously. Liam is my life. the love of my life. and like i have mentioned before, once you love something, there is the fear of losing it. that is why love is so complicated for me. there are millions of horrible awful ways i could lose my baby boy GOD FORBID! ofcourse, much of the time my mind is occupied with thinking of how i can prevent every possibility. i know this isn't how i should be using my mind. and i know that thinking about things can possibly make things happen. so i've got to stop. you know what i need to replace this fear? faith. ive always known about faith, and i try to have it, but somehow fear always sneakily comes back and swallows up the faith, damn fear. i don't want to be this person who is constantly worried about what tragedies might happen and therefore become that overprotective aunt. this is gonna send me straight to an early grave, i know it. i must seriously increase my faith. ive been reading a lot lately about these things. the book 'conversations with god' is really helping me so much. this little book makes all the sense in the world, and as i lie there and read it i feel warm and safe and love and suddenly life makes complete sense to me and i realize i need to let go of said fear. so heather, come on baby girl, you can do this. stop wallowing in the fear you've been wallowing in for basically most of my life. i can't tell you how many things fear has held me back from in my life. i wonder where i'd be now if i'd never let fear encompass my existence. why it it easier to fear than have faith and love? why is this? i'm going to start practicing stomping out my fearful thoughts as they arise. i will be sure to let you know how it goes. wish me luck! best of luck, Heather, my dear girl. and you really must try harder to love yourself better as well too. too often i regard my own self with apathy. i don't hate myself, but i don't really think of myself much in a loving sense. although since i had Liam, more and more so i try to take care of myself better because i want to be there for Liam, as a solid, dependable, healthy mother, mentally and physically. Liam truly saved my life in so many ways! he IS my sweet baby angel.
