this love

ramblings for today:
you'll have to forgive me if these newer posts i'm posting are dull and/or tedious. i just need to get back in the habit of flow writing. it's so much easier to do this on the computer compared to handwriting, as sad as that is, because there is definitely something romantic to handwriting in your journal. i did this for years and years while growing up, but you know, as i've become a boring ass adult with seemingly severe adhd i've lost all capacity to do this. oh well, maybe in time, as i get more used to just writing in general.

liam's non-stop crying is making me feel a little bit mad i'm afraid, or atleast it makes me feel like i'm going to snap and lose it any second. not snap and become violent towards him or anything, nothing like that. i have absolutely NO violent inclination towards him. and infact that is why it's making me so crazy that he is crying so much...is he in pain?!? i just can't stand to hear him cry so much, AH it just tears me apart! he is the absolute most important little thing to ever exist for me...the overprotectiveness i feel towards him is just infinite. god i love him so much. it's so nice to finally have my own child and feel that kind of love that you always hear parents talking about. but it is scary as hell at the same time, let me tell you. it really scares me to love something so fucking much. just that damn fear again that if anything ever were to happen to him...oh god, i just can't even go there. i don't think i'd be able to survive something like that. when we had to take him to the er because he was throwing up everything...i was hysterical...and if i'm that bad when he's just throwing up like crazy...it's really insane, the love i feel for him. oh i love him, i love my little baby SO FUCKING MUCH! i cry because i love him so much. i just pray to the Goddess and the God to give him a healthy and happy life all the time. if killing me meant he would never have to feel any pain (physical or emotional) in his entire life i just might do it. i know pain is a natural part of living, but, NO i just can't bear for him to feel pain. honestly, ive always thought that maybe my worst fault is that i just love too much. i've thought this from a very young age, i really do think my heart is just like, bigger than most people's...love really is a force, a very intense force...and life is so very hard and sometimes i feel guilty that i even brought him into this world, that is honestly how i feel sometimes. holy hell life is crazy. how do you stay afloat? how do you not go crazy? how do you get through life? ok...this is making my head hurt and spin in circles. goodbye for now.

fotzepolitik.

must get it out: feeling very emotional right now. fears. i hate fear. you know how sometimes if you let it, it feels like fear is going to swallow you alive? it's located in the heart chakra area...and i believe that is my hell. to be in fear is to be in my own personal hell. it's such negative, poor thinking too. because i do believe our thoughts manifest, and my fears are the last thing i would EVER want to manifest. so i must train myself to put a stop to them. seriously, dude.

i gotta change my thinking. god it KILLS me that my creative outlet is so squashed. i used to come up with the BEST ideas just like, without even trying. what the hell happened?? the creative drive can be so illusive in my life, and why is that? what is happening in my life that it seems to come around less and less and less...it bothers me SO--OH!

it is the most important thing in the entire WORLD to me to do well for my son. i am 100% determnined to NOT LET HIM DOWN. i want him to grow up and be proud of his mama. i want him to grow up in the most blissfully happy of circumstances, with the most creative, abstract, uniquely fabulously beautiful childhood. i can do this. i will do this. just have to get the foundation of this life in order. and that is vital. travis and i must get to EXACTLY where we want to be, where we are:
1. making a decent living
2. in a healthy, fun, beautiful atmosphere (as in NOT fresno)

if we have these two things, the rest should all come easily. and that is only 2 things, really that is such a low, do-able number of things to get done. granted, they can be somewhat difficult things, but it's still only 2 things! we can't be all talk though, we have to ACT we HAVE TO ACT NOW! i will get back to you on this. please wish us luck, send us postive motivating vibes, think good thoughts for us. as trav said in his entry, God is within us...we have the utmost potential for absolute greatness because WE ARE GOD. WE ARE ONE. Peace Love and Namaste. Goodnight.

i am not the same...i'm growing up again.....

i just finally recovered my bloggedy blog. my boyfriend's involvement on this website of late is what spurred me to find it. i've been needing to get back in to writing, though it's going to be a lot harder now that i have a very cute but demanding 2 month old baby boy, my Liam. :) so i will try to update as much as possible. as i said in a previous entry, my creative self is still lost...possibly even more lost now. you know, i used to be a pretty good writer and it's even something ive wanted to pursue.

well hey the good news is i'm not a pill popper anymore. :) and i don't even smoke the weed anymore, well not as much anyways. ok Liam is crying, more later....