heartjuice

I think i just shouldn't smoke weed anymore, really. It just seems to crack open my heart like an eggshell and out spill all of my insecurities, fears, and worries. Pair it together with a strange day (perhaps it's the planetary alignment) and it really makes for a retreat into my mind covered in a blaket of heartache.

Today Travis was not going to go to his home studies class for the second week in a row and it is only the 3rd week of this class. Granted he just goes to pick up his assignments but he is now already behind for missing last week and he was willing to get even more behind because he was getting stoned hanging out at the park with friends. Ofcourse I understand more than anyone how easy it is to blow off class when you're doing something fun, but at this point in our lives it just felt like a slap in the face. I want to cry!!! When is he going to start acting like the father of a baby?!? I thought it was going to happen when I told him I was pregnant, then I thought since it didn't happen then, that FOR SURE when Liam was born he'd get going, but that's really not the case. I'm always giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm always giving him chance after chance to prove himself. So many other women would have left him eons ago! People close to me have told me he is not going to change. I know deep down people don't really change, but usually the birth of their child will change SOMETHING in them. I want to cry but the tears aren't coming. Partnerships are when you make living easier for each other. All i do is try to ease his life for him. He rarely sees this, so i just want a little reciprocation. I also don't get why he seems to me missing that survival instinct. Aren't men supposed to just instincively spring into action and do all they can to provide for their families? It just seems like he just wants to not do anything and let whatever happens happen. If my parents will shelter us for now, then he'll take it. It's like he lets everyone else figure out wwhat to do. It just hurts. To break our little family up would tear me apart. But sooner or later that is what i'm going to have to do if he just never does a thing to become the 'man of the house'. :( i want to cry. Just trying to get his hs diploma is proving to be a major uphill battle. I love him more than words...this is so hard...i don't know what to do..