what is this?

Just having some of my usual existential fears and feelings of foreboding today. Since Liam was born, I wake up alot in the middle of the night for feedings, and for me, waking up in the middle of the night always seems to catch me in a vulnerable state where I'm just plagued with thoughts of existence. Last night/this morning was a particularly intense one. I just wanted to start crying because I can fathom my soul, existing, being concious for eternity. If it's not eternal (which I'm pretty sure it is, just like i'm sure i've always existed-meaning my soul), well i just can't fathom that either. All of this stuff is incredibly hard to describe ofcourse, but i just need to write about it to get it off of my chest somehow. I also wanted to note that i'm always floating or flying in all of my dreams. When I wake up and think of them, I realize they are always from a perspective of floating and being close to ceilings, so that's how i know i float. also, now that i've had a child, being alive and mortal freaks me out even more. it just means even more that i can't be ok with dying. before his birth, i had somewhat comes to terms with death, and that if i die it will be ok. oh before i forget completely, last week i had a dream that i died. i had just crossed over, and there was some other being there with me, maybe my guardian angel, and they were explaining everything to me as it was happening. i had just died and i was thinking, 'oh my god, this is it, ive died, it's really happened. the thing that i've been fearing and obsessing over my whole life has happened!' and i remember that it was all okay. my angel was conveying this to me telepathically, and i was witnessing for myself that it was ok. i was kind of just lingering there, in that in between world right after you pass on. and then suddenly, my angel said 'here it comes. that is the light.' and i looked to where she was indicating and it was like the sun rising, and i was watching it as it was floating up slowly from the horizon, and it was all so peaceful and calming.' i think i suddenly woke up then and it was morning time, and travis was sitting there on the computer and he saw me wake up and i was just looking at him and i wanted to say 'i just dreamed that i died' but i didn't for some reason. i think i wanted to keep it in my mind a little longer for myself, it was so special. i felt like i had been shown the secret of existence, and then i wake up and i'm still alive and back in the mundane world.
there's no words to describe the sense of fear and awe and overwhelming-ness i feel at those times when i am awake in the middle of the night with those thoughts. they completely overtake me, ever cell, every fiber of my being..i just can't believe i am alive and i exist and we don't even really know what we truly are?? why are we here and how did we get here? IT"S SO INCREDIBLE! and now i have this beautiful child that i am 100% living for now. my existence is completely vital to his existence. it would be such a horrible tragedy if i were to die. are we the aliens? are aliens gods? how did we start off as a molecule and end up as this? as people who occupy their time by reading about lindsay lohan and miley cyrus and all these awful individuals. what does their existence mean in all of this??? i always try to look at the human race as if i were an alien just discovering us..it truly makes me see how crazy the world is right now. do aliens have their own versions lindsay lohans and paris hiltons and ridiculous celebrity worship???
wow, all of existence just makes me say wow and it all really does inspire me so much to do something....create something to somehow encapsulate all of it into one big beautiful thing??