Morning Sun

i am here in the apartment. it is 10:23am. i just did some morning sun salutation yoga. feelings of inferiority come coming up up up in my head and heart. one of my favorite yeasayer songs just came on pandora. i'm just trying to crush each sad inferior emotion. pop! poof! gone! sitting here, breathing in and out in and out remember to breathe remember to breathe it's so funny how much we have to remind ourselves to do that. i feel hunger in my belly. i need to take pup to the bathroom. i am me. i am me. the human condition. humans are crazy. go to a healthy happy place. i love having this anonymous blog that none of my friends and family can come to. what a nice relief. to get it out there and not worry about them and their thoughts. not that i even care too much about them, i just like some privacy though. i love it. i mean i could care less if anyone ever even reads this posts. they are just for me. a place to go and get away and just say whatever i want to say, it is very freeing. you could call me a pill popper but i'm trying so hard to move away from that. so very hard. addiction is a crazy crazy thing. i see what a slavery it is. i see it for what it is these days. trying to be smarter about it. trying to make wiser decisions. no more pills. just a clear sober peaceful mind and heart. with the Goddess in my heart loving me smiling on me with affection nurturing the ever eternal Earth Mother.

starchildren

just have to get this out somehow. it is a beautiful rainy day. usually i love the rain. i still do, but today it seems to be causing my brooding emotions to continue, to be the grey cloudy skies. it is a new year, 2009 closer to 2012. i'm still just as lost as i was 5 years ago, only maybe a little more mature. my heart and soul cries out for a new way of life, i feel so trampled by society. change is on it's way, but i am a very impatient person unfortunatley.
i'm trying to remind myself everyday to acknowledge the higher self and the divinity within me. why is it such human behavior to forget this every day? it's like each night at sleep it's all erased all the really important wisdom you need in order to get by. i feel like i'm just spiralling for eternity, it's always the same, i get close to some major shift and then that's it, it never happens. i just sort of linger on the edge, wasting time...ugh ugh ugh crushed i want to fly! i am getting depressed again because i realized my child self, my creative artistic self is really lost. i can't figure out how to find it or get it back. i am aware but now what? there is a certain joie de vivre to me that is now gone. i feel it so intensely. i don't like to socialize really at all unless there is alcohol or some other way to be inebbriated. that is so fucking sad. and i sit here and wonder...did i make it this way? or is it supposed to be this way?? am i transitioning and maybe metamorphosing into something great? or is this it? is this adulthood? did i miss the train ages ago? did do all that acid in high school really effect who i am today and have anything to do with why i seem to be so...so....not me? not the real me? it seems it takes a lot of balls and courage to access that real me cuz she's lost. somehwere i know she's there with her beautiful art and ideas and inspiration, endless...i just can't access this! and it depresses me to no end to knowthis, i feel cut off i feel cut off and detached from spirit. the more i learn and educate myself on the divine and metaphysics and the faerie world, the more i simulataneously FEEL cut off from it. i'd give anything to find that child in me again. motivation is my worst. i suck soo bad at getting up and acting on ideas. god i'm horrid at it. and to stop smoking so much weed has been on the top of my to do list for about a year. why am i so afraid to let go and be sober? i am i really am. human condition human condition to suffer! it's like i know but i don't know if that makes any sense. what have i done to my brain? holy fucking shit life is crazy.