ramblings for today:
you'll have to forgive me if these newer posts i'm posting are dull and/or tedious. i just need to get back in the habit of flow writing. it's so much easier to do this on the computer compared to handwriting, as sad as that is, because there is definitely something romantic to handwriting in your journal. i did this for years and years while growing up, but you know, as i've become a boring ass adult with seemingly severe adhd i've lost all capacity to do this. oh well, maybe in time, as i get more used to just writing in general.
liam's non-stop crying is making me feel a little bit mad i'm afraid, or atleast it makes me feel like i'm going to snap and lose it any second. not snap and become violent towards him or anything, nothing like that. i have absolutely NO violent inclination towards him. and infact that is why it's making me so crazy that he is crying so much...is he in pain?!? i just can't stand to hear him cry so much, AH it just tears me apart! he is the absolute most important little thing to ever exist for me...the overprotectiveness i feel towards him is just infinite. god i love him so much. it's so nice to finally have my own child and feel that kind of love that you always hear parents talking about. but it is scary as hell at the same time, let me tell you. it really scares me to love something so fucking much. just that damn fear again that if anything ever were to happen to him...oh god, i just can't even go there. i don't think i'd be able to survive something like that. when we had to take him to the er because he was throwing up everything...i was hysterical...and if i'm that bad when he's just throwing up like crazy...it's really insane, the love i feel for him. oh i love him, i love my little baby SO FUCKING MUCH! i cry because i love him so much. i just pray to the Goddess and the God to give him a healthy and happy life all the time. if killing me meant he would never have to feel any pain (physical or emotional) in his entire life i just might do it. i know pain is a natural part of living, but, NO i just can't bear for him to feel pain. honestly, ive always thought that maybe my worst fault is that i just love too much. i've thought this from a very young age, i really do think my heart is just like, bigger than most people's...love really is a force, a very intense force...and life is so very hard and sometimes i feel guilty that i even brought him into this world, that is honestly how i feel sometimes. holy hell life is crazy. how do you stay afloat? how do you not go crazy? how do you get through life? ok...this is making my head hurt and spin in circles. goodbye for now.
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