I think i just shouldn't smoke weed anymore, really. It just seems to crack open my heart like an eggshell and out spill all of my insecurities, fears, and worries. Pair it together with a strange day (perhaps it's the planetary alignment) and it really makes for a retreat into my mind covered in a blaket of heartache.
Today Travis was not going to go to his home studies class for the second week in a row and it is only the 3rd week of this class. Granted he just goes to pick up his assignments but he is now already behind for missing last week and he was willing to get even more behind because he was getting stoned hanging out at the park with friends. Ofcourse I understand more than anyone how easy it is to blow off class when you're doing something fun, but at this point in our lives it just felt like a slap in the face. I want to cry!!! When is he going to start acting like the father of a baby?!? I thought it was going to happen when I told him I was pregnant, then I thought since it didn't happen then, that FOR SURE when Liam was born he'd get going, but that's really not the case. I'm always giving him the benefit of the doubt, I'm always giving him chance after chance to prove himself. So many other women would have left him eons ago! People close to me have told me he is not going to change. I know deep down people don't really change, but usually the birth of their child will change SOMETHING in them. I want to cry but the tears aren't coming. Partnerships are when you make living easier for each other. All i do is try to ease his life for him. He rarely sees this, so i just want a little reciprocation. I also don't get why he seems to me missing that survival instinct. Aren't men supposed to just instincively spring into action and do all they can to provide for their families? It just seems like he just wants to not do anything and let whatever happens happen. If my parents will shelter us for now, then he'll take it. It's like he lets everyone else figure out wwhat to do. It just hurts. To break our little family up would tear me apart. But sooner or later that is what i'm going to have to do if he just never does a thing to become the 'man of the house'. :( i want to cry. Just trying to get his hs diploma is proving to be a major uphill battle. I love him more than words...this is so hard...i don't know what to do..
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
this love
ramblings for today:
you'll have to forgive me if these newer posts i'm posting are dull and/or tedious. i just need to get back in the habit of flow writing. it's so much easier to do this on the computer compared to handwriting, as sad as that is, because there is definitely something romantic to handwriting in your journal. i did this for years and years while growing up, but you know, as i've become a boring ass adult with seemingly severe adhd i've lost all capacity to do this. oh well, maybe in time, as i get more used to just writing in general.
liam's non-stop crying is making me feel a little bit mad i'm afraid, or atleast it makes me feel like i'm going to snap and lose it any second. not snap and become violent towards him or anything, nothing like that. i have absolutely NO violent inclination towards him. and infact that is why it's making me so crazy that he is crying so much...is he in pain?!? i just can't stand to hear him cry so much, AH it just tears me apart! he is the absolute most important little thing to ever exist for me...the overprotectiveness i feel towards him is just infinite. god i love him so much. it's so nice to finally have my own child and feel that kind of love that you always hear parents talking about. but it is scary as hell at the same time, let me tell you. it really scares me to love something so fucking much. just that damn fear again that if anything ever were to happen to him...oh god, i just can't even go there. i don't think i'd be able to survive something like that. when we had to take him to the er because he was throwing up everything...i was hysterical...and if i'm that bad when he's just throwing up like crazy...it's really insane, the love i feel for him. oh i love him, i love my little baby SO FUCKING MUCH! i cry because i love him so much. i just pray to the Goddess and the God to give him a healthy and happy life all the time. if killing me meant he would never have to feel any pain (physical or emotional) in his entire life i just might do it. i know pain is a natural part of living, but, NO i just can't bear for him to feel pain. honestly, ive always thought that maybe my worst fault is that i just love too much. i've thought this from a very young age, i really do think my heart is just like, bigger than most people's...love really is a force, a very intense force...and life is so very hard and sometimes i feel guilty that i even brought him into this world, that is honestly how i feel sometimes. holy hell life is crazy. how do you stay afloat? how do you not go crazy? how do you get through life? ok...this is making my head hurt and spin in circles. goodbye for now.
you'll have to forgive me if these newer posts i'm posting are dull and/or tedious. i just need to get back in the habit of flow writing. it's so much easier to do this on the computer compared to handwriting, as sad as that is, because there is definitely something romantic to handwriting in your journal. i did this for years and years while growing up, but you know, as i've become a boring ass adult with seemingly severe adhd i've lost all capacity to do this. oh well, maybe in time, as i get more used to just writing in general.
liam's non-stop crying is making me feel a little bit mad i'm afraid, or atleast it makes me feel like i'm going to snap and lose it any second. not snap and become violent towards him or anything, nothing like that. i have absolutely NO violent inclination towards him. and infact that is why it's making me so crazy that he is crying so much...is he in pain?!? i just can't stand to hear him cry so much, AH it just tears me apart! he is the absolute most important little thing to ever exist for me...the overprotectiveness i feel towards him is just infinite. god i love him so much. it's so nice to finally have my own child and feel that kind of love that you always hear parents talking about. but it is scary as hell at the same time, let me tell you. it really scares me to love something so fucking much. just that damn fear again that if anything ever were to happen to him...oh god, i just can't even go there. i don't think i'd be able to survive something like that. when we had to take him to the er because he was throwing up everything...i was hysterical...and if i'm that bad when he's just throwing up like crazy...it's really insane, the love i feel for him. oh i love him, i love my little baby SO FUCKING MUCH! i cry because i love him so much. i just pray to the Goddess and the God to give him a healthy and happy life all the time. if killing me meant he would never have to feel any pain (physical or emotional) in his entire life i just might do it. i know pain is a natural part of living, but, NO i just can't bear for him to feel pain. honestly, ive always thought that maybe my worst fault is that i just love too much. i've thought this from a very young age, i really do think my heart is just like, bigger than most people's...love really is a force, a very intense force...and life is so very hard and sometimes i feel guilty that i even brought him into this world, that is honestly how i feel sometimes. holy hell life is crazy. how do you stay afloat? how do you not go crazy? how do you get through life? ok...this is making my head hurt and spin in circles. goodbye for now.
Monday, April 26, 2010
fotzepolitik.
must get it out: feeling very emotional right now. fears. i hate fear. you know how sometimes if you let it, it feels like fear is going to swallow you alive? it's located in the heart chakra area...and i believe that is my hell. to be in fear is to be in my own personal hell. it's such negative, poor thinking too. because i do believe our thoughts manifest, and my fears are the last thing i would EVER want to manifest. so i must train myself to put a stop to them. seriously, dude.
i gotta change my thinking. god it KILLS me that my creative outlet is so squashed. i used to come up with the BEST ideas just like, without even trying. what the hell happened?? the creative drive can be so illusive in my life, and why is that? what is happening in my life that it seems to come around less and less and less...it bothers me SO--OH!
it is the most important thing in the entire WORLD to me to do well for my son. i am 100% determnined to NOT LET HIM DOWN. i want him to grow up and be proud of his mama. i want him to grow up in the most blissfully happy of circumstances, with the most creative, abstract, uniquely fabulously beautiful childhood. i can do this. i will do this. just have to get the foundation of this life in order. and that is vital. travis and i must get to EXACTLY where we want to be, where we are:
1. making a decent living
2. in a healthy, fun, beautiful atmosphere (as in NOT fresno)
if we have these two things, the rest should all come easily. and that is only 2 things, really that is such a low, do-able number of things to get done. granted, they can be somewhat difficult things, but it's still only 2 things! we can't be all talk though, we have to ACT we HAVE TO ACT NOW! i will get back to you on this. please wish us luck, send us postive motivating vibes, think good thoughts for us. as trav said in his entry, God is within us...we have the utmost potential for absolute greatness because WE ARE GOD. WE ARE ONE. Peace Love and Namaste. Goodnight.
i gotta change my thinking. god it KILLS me that my creative outlet is so squashed. i used to come up with the BEST ideas just like, without even trying. what the hell happened?? the creative drive can be so illusive in my life, and why is that? what is happening in my life that it seems to come around less and less and less...it bothers me SO--OH!
it is the most important thing in the entire WORLD to me to do well for my son. i am 100% determnined to NOT LET HIM DOWN. i want him to grow up and be proud of his mama. i want him to grow up in the most blissfully happy of circumstances, with the most creative, abstract, uniquely fabulously beautiful childhood. i can do this. i will do this. just have to get the foundation of this life in order. and that is vital. travis and i must get to EXACTLY where we want to be, where we are:
1. making a decent living
2. in a healthy, fun, beautiful atmosphere (as in NOT fresno)
if we have these two things, the rest should all come easily. and that is only 2 things, really that is such a low, do-able number of things to get done. granted, they can be somewhat difficult things, but it's still only 2 things! we can't be all talk though, we have to ACT we HAVE TO ACT NOW! i will get back to you on this. please wish us luck, send us postive motivating vibes, think good thoughts for us. as trav said in his entry, God is within us...we have the utmost potential for absolute greatness because WE ARE GOD. WE ARE ONE. Peace Love and Namaste. Goodnight.
i am not the same...i'm growing up again.....
i just finally recovered my bloggedy blog. my boyfriend's involvement on this website of late is what spurred me to find it. i've been needing to get back in to writing, though it's going to be a lot harder now that i have a very cute but demanding 2 month old baby boy, my Liam. :) so i will try to update as much as possible. as i said in a previous entry, my creative self is still lost...possibly even more lost now. you know, i used to be a pretty good writer and it's even something ive wanted to pursue.
well hey the good news is i'm not a pill popper anymore. :) and i don't even smoke the weed anymore, well not as much anyways. ok Liam is crying, more later....
well hey the good news is i'm not a pill popper anymore. :) and i don't even smoke the weed anymore, well not as much anyways. ok Liam is crying, more later....
Friday, January 16, 2009
Morning Sun
i am here in the apartment. it is 10:23am. i just did some morning sun salutation yoga. feelings of inferiority come coming up up up in my head and heart. one of my favorite yeasayer songs just came on pandora. i'm just trying to crush each sad inferior emotion. pop! poof! gone! sitting here, breathing in and out in and out remember to breathe remember to breathe it's so funny how much we have to remind ourselves to do that. i feel hunger in my belly. i need to take pup to the bathroom. i am me. i am me. the human condition. humans are crazy. go to a healthy happy place. i love having this anonymous blog that none of my friends and family can come to. what a nice relief. to get it out there and not worry about them and their thoughts. not that i even care too much about them, i just like some privacy though. i love it. i mean i could care less if anyone ever even reads this posts. they are just for me. a place to go and get away and just say whatever i want to say, it is very freeing. you could call me a pill popper but i'm trying so hard to move away from that. so very hard. addiction is a crazy crazy thing. i see what a slavery it is. i see it for what it is these days. trying to be smarter about it. trying to make wiser decisions. no more pills. just a clear sober peaceful mind and heart. with the Goddess in my heart loving me smiling on me with affection nurturing the ever eternal Earth Mother.
Friday, January 2, 2009
starchildren
just have to get this out somehow. it is a beautiful rainy day. usually i love the rain. i still do, but today it seems to be causing my brooding emotions to continue, to be the grey cloudy skies. it is a new year, 2009 closer to 2012. i'm still just as lost as i was 5 years ago, only maybe a little more mature. my heart and soul cries out for a new way of life, i feel so trampled by society. change is on it's way, but i am a very impatient person unfortunatley.
i'm trying to remind myself everyday to acknowledge the higher self and the divinity within me. why is it such human behavior to forget this every day? it's like each night at sleep it's all erased all the really important wisdom you need in order to get by. i feel like i'm just spiralling for eternity, it's always the same, i get close to some major shift and then that's it, it never happens. i just sort of linger on the edge, wasting time...ugh ugh ugh crushed i want to fly! i am getting depressed again because i realized my child self, my creative artistic self is really lost. i can't figure out how to find it or get it back. i am aware but now what? there is a certain joie de vivre to me that is now gone. i feel it so intensely. i don't like to socialize really at all unless there is alcohol or some other way to be inebbriated. that is so fucking sad. and i sit here and wonder...did i make it this way? or is it supposed to be this way?? am i transitioning and maybe metamorphosing into something great? or is this it? is this adulthood? did i miss the train ages ago? did do all that acid in high school really effect who i am today and have anything to do with why i seem to be so...so....not me? not the real me? it seems it takes a lot of balls and courage to access that real me cuz she's lost. somehwere i know she's there with her beautiful art and ideas and inspiration, endless...i just can't access this! and it depresses me to no end to knowthis, i feel cut off i feel cut off and detached from spirit. the more i learn and educate myself on the divine and metaphysics and the faerie world, the more i simulataneously FEEL cut off from it. i'd give anything to find that child in me again. motivation is my worst. i suck soo bad at getting up and acting on ideas. god i'm horrid at it. and to stop smoking so much weed has been on the top of my to do list for about a year. why am i so afraid to let go and be sober? i am i really am. human condition human condition to suffer! it's like i know but i don't know if that makes any sense. what have i done to my brain? holy fucking shit life is crazy.
i'm trying to remind myself everyday to acknowledge the higher self and the divinity within me. why is it such human behavior to forget this every day? it's like each night at sleep it's all erased all the really important wisdom you need in order to get by. i feel like i'm just spiralling for eternity, it's always the same, i get close to some major shift and then that's it, it never happens. i just sort of linger on the edge, wasting time...ugh ugh ugh crushed i want to fly! i am getting depressed again because i realized my child self, my creative artistic self is really lost. i can't figure out how to find it or get it back. i am aware but now what? there is a certain joie de vivre to me that is now gone. i feel it so intensely. i don't like to socialize really at all unless there is alcohol or some other way to be inebbriated. that is so fucking sad. and i sit here and wonder...did i make it this way? or is it supposed to be this way?? am i transitioning and maybe metamorphosing into something great? or is this it? is this adulthood? did i miss the train ages ago? did do all that acid in high school really effect who i am today and have anything to do with why i seem to be so...so....not me? not the real me? it seems it takes a lot of balls and courage to access that real me cuz she's lost. somehwere i know she's there with her beautiful art and ideas and inspiration, endless...i just can't access this! and it depresses me to no end to knowthis, i feel cut off i feel cut off and detached from spirit. the more i learn and educate myself on the divine and metaphysics and the faerie world, the more i simulataneously FEEL cut off from it. i'd give anything to find that child in me again. motivation is my worst. i suck soo bad at getting up and acting on ideas. god i'm horrid at it. and to stop smoking so much weed has been on the top of my to do list for about a year. why am i so afraid to let go and be sober? i am i really am. human condition human condition to suffer! it's like i know but i don't know if that makes any sense. what have i done to my brain? holy fucking shit life is crazy.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
cycles of circles
Artemis
Isis
Diana
These 3 Goddesses just came to me
I am a fertile woman full of creativity channeled through me as a vessel
i dip my foot into the tub full of warm salt water
watch it ripple in the candlelight
the shadows it breathes
i feel like i'm in a far away grotto
i tune in to the centrifugal force
like a great eye in the center of my forehead
the psychic centers are awakened
i breathe in the hot steaming vapor
i sense her sweet face
smiling in at me
the Great Mother
the Goddess
Artemis Isis Diana
Isis
Diana
These 3 Goddesses just came to me
I am a fertile woman full of creativity channeled through me as a vessel
i dip my foot into the tub full of warm salt water
watch it ripple in the candlelight
the shadows it breathes
i feel like i'm in a far away grotto
i tune in to the centrifugal force
like a great eye in the center of my forehead
the psychic centers are awakened
i breathe in the hot steaming vapor
i sense her sweet face
smiling in at me
the Great Mother
the Goddess
Artemis Isis Diana
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)